


The Beginning of the End is the End of the Beginning

by goodmorningvietnam666



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Brooding, Destructive Behaviour, Gen, Hiding, Introversion, Renegade - Freeform, lying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-06
Updated: 2014-05-06
Packaged: 2018-01-23 18:01:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1574600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goodmorningvietnam666/pseuds/goodmorningvietnam666
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard loses a lot of people in his life, most times he has to move on, no, every time he has to move on, to not care, to be strong... but he's tired of not caring</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Beginning of the End is the End of the Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> I made a few bad decisions in the second game which led to losing the team members I didn't want to (namely one) and needed to get out my frustration, so, instead of ranting, I wrote; in the end I felt much better.
> 
> This is my first fiction for the fandom, try to bear with me because there is a fair bit of rambling but hopefully I don't put you to sleep. 
> 
> Happy Reading

_He watched in helpless horror as it happened, too fast and too violent for him to register. It was over as soon as it had happened, and Shepard retracted his hand slowly as an overwhelming feeling of nothing took over and as he turned around to face what was remaining of his group his eyes hardened._

He had lost so many good people that day, and the turn out had seemed so small, so insignificant, that he felt those loses had been in vain. He hoped he had, in the end, saved the right people, but he just couldn’t bring himself to think that way with Garrus out of the picture. The decisions he made went through his mind over and over again, how he could have changed what he’d done, how he could have avoided his best friend’s death. 

He dwelled on that mission on quiet moments, rethinking that one moment when his resolve finally fell apart: he had had enough of losing the people he cared about.

He didn’t necessarily become ruthless, or emotionless, but he certainly did start caring less about following the rules and more about just getting the job done. The outcome of his renegade behaviour had been long coming, he had eventually come around to the option when he was working with Cerberus. He imagined it was after he had seen Kaidan again on Horizon, which seemed about the time when he started to disregard the law and how well he followed orders.

His brutal honesty, violence, use of guns and lack of tact became reputable, and he went from the poster-boy for the Alliance to… he didn’t have a name for it yet but he was sure it would emerge soon enough. 

He became significantly brutal after Kaidan was hospitalised after the recon mission on Mars, caring less about what was right and more about finishing the next mission quickly. 

He had no more compassion left, when he had commanded the first Normandy he had had the want to listen, to learn, to sympathise with people, to help them to the finest of his abilities. Now, now he just wanted to get in, get out and move on.

Kaidan noticed first, he was sure of it, even though he was always willing to talk to Kaidan, the biotic being the only thing keeping what was left of his humanity intact. But Kaidan never let on that he was worried or concerned, only talked as Shepard listened, as they continued to share and let each other into their lives; as they overcame whatever had gotten between them and got back to the stuff that mattered. 

Whenever he stepped on the Normandy without Kaidan, knowing that Garrus, and by extension, Tali weren’t going to be waiting for him, hurt; made him want to stay hidden, to just cower and wait for the Reapers to destroy everything he loved; and then him, so it wouldn’t hurt anymore. 

Most thought that he had everything under control, he was almost sure he had Liara convinced that he was fine, had almost fooled even himself into thinking he was fine; it was astounding that no one had stopped his long chain of destruction.

But he knew, deep down, he wouldn’t be able to get away with it forever, that eventually, someone would shoot him or space him or tell him **enough** ; and in that same deep place, that one he avoided so often and so well, that he would stop, he would relent, and he would feel guilt. He knew he couldn’t keep hiding behind a façade and he knew that said façade would kill him inside. He was already emotionally void enough without losing everything.

He missed the old crew frequently, as he walked past Primarch Victus he was reminded painfully of Garrus and Urdnot Wreav reminded him of Wrex, who in turn reminded him of Ashley, who reminded him of Jenkins, which brought him back to Akuze… 

There were times when he’d just lock himself away in his cabin and lie down on his bed face up, studying the featureless roof above him for countless hours, stopping only when someone, usually Liara, knocked at his door and brought him out of his trance. 

The way the Asari looked at him gave Shepard the idea that she too had caught on to his near destructive behaviour, she always looked hopeful, like she felt that he would let her in, but every time without fail he’d shut her out, simply saying he was fine and offering a fake smile that pained his heart with its lying ways. 

He visited Kaidan often, after every mission he’d pull the team back to the Citadel for “down time” and as selfish as it was he’d stay for as long as he felt he needed to. 

A small part of him was relieved when Kaidan called him out on his recklessness, displaying his concern as he was hearing “rumours” and he didn’t like how they sounded. It was almost a lecture, and normally Shepard wouldn’t listen, but this was Kaidan, and he cared about Kaidan; and because of this he heard the worry and concern, he heard the pleading nature being the harsh tone. 

And so he relented. 

He tried to become compassionate, to point guns at people less than he had been. But the habits he had gotten into were too well set, and he felt trapped in his own rebellion, almost like a man indoctrinated. He was scaring himself, he thought, judging from the way he was fighting his own decision making it like he was indoctrinated.

But he’d know, wouldn’t he? Someone would know, someone would see the signs… and when and how it could happen was up for debate. When Cerberus rebuilt him? While he was destroying the Collector base? Horizon? Eden Prime? The Citadel? He didn’t have a small sample space for the amount of chances the Reapers had to influence him. 

He was scared of that alone. 

He finally talked after another mission dominated by his renegade ways, and he confided in Liara, who assured him that he wasn’t indoctrinated, assured Shepard that he was perfectly fine: just a little… rebellious.

Her words, not his. 

After the talk with Liara it was back to the Citadel, and for once; he did the talking and Kaidan did all of the listening. He was good at it, Shepard thought, the biotic only talked when he had something to add or he seemed to feel that Shepard needed prompting. It felt good to finally get it all out in the open, like he had swallowed gallons of water and was only just opening his mouth to rid his lungs of it. His chest felt light, and he felt… better, really. Garrus and most of his Cerberus crew were dead and he’d miss them but he felt as though maybe now he could move on. He’d need some time to learn how to lower the shields he’d been putting up but he felt he could do it. If he could take on an unstoppable army of Reapers, he could fix his own problems. 

This time, when he walked back to the Normandy, he had Kaidan by his side. And this time there wasn’t a gripping sadness to settle on him as he walked onto the ship.  
He could heal, he can heal, and if he had any say in it – which he did – he _would_ heal.

It was just a matter of time.

END

**Author's Note:**

> If you didn't guess already, I lost Garrus and proceeded to rage and rant for hours before sitting down and writing this out, thanks for reading!


End file.
